Be Steadfast
by the amyrlin seat
Summary: Siuan and Moiraine have just finished their test for accepted. They should be celebrating! Instead, there seems to be a problem between the two. And what does the third arch have to do with it? Siuan/Moiraine oneshot


If there was one thing that Siuan Sanche knew, it was that if all those light-burned Aes Sedai were to fall into a pit of rabid silverpike, she wouldn't really care. Burn her, she'd help the flaming silverpike! Light alone knew she was angry enough. Besides, there was no way a silver pike could consume that much meat in one go.

Siuan looked down at the ring on the third finger of her left hand. The golden serpent was looser than she would've liked. Bloody Aes Sedai; putting her through those horrible arches, and then giving her a ring that didn't even fit. As if she hadn't earned it!

Well, she had. She'd lived through it. Nothing could keep Siuan Sanche down, not even a bunch of holier-than-thou sisters who shoved her through those flaming arches, expecting her to come out like she'd just gutted her first fish.

Perhaps she had come out sniveling, but only on the inside. She wouldn't give them the pleasure.

Siuan snorted and shifted her thoughts. It would do her no good to brood. She wondered idly where Moiraine was.

Light, but how could she face Moiraine after the last arch, the most difficult fish-buggering thing she'd ever been through. The Arch where Moiraine had left her.

She steeled herself as she glided down the hall towards their shared quarters. It hadn't been her Moiraine, would never really be her Moiraine. Her Moiraine wouldn't shout at her like that one had. It hadn't been her Moiraine's doll-like face twisted in rage. It hadn't been her.

So why did it feel that way? Siuan knew Moiraine would never do that. But there was that little voice in the back of her head (which sounded suspiciously like Elaida) that she couldn't ignore. The voice that kept whispering, what if she did? What if it was?

She took a deep breath as she opened the door. She couldn't see Moiraine, but she could hear her sobbing. Wait, Moiraine was sobbing? Her Cairhienin best friend was sobbing? Fishguts!

Burn me, thought Siuan, I'm wallowing in myself and Moiraine needs me. Some friend you are, Siuan.

"Moiraine?" she called softly. It wasn't her. Wasn't this Moiraine.

"Siuan. I'm….happy to see you," Moiraine answered. Siuan heard the crack in her voice. Voices cracking meant lying. No, it didn't. Moiraine had been crying, it was natural for her voice to crack. She wasn't lying.

She followed the sound of Moiraine's sobbing and found the Cairhienin slumped on the floor by the bed. Her normally bright eyes were rimmed with red, and her nails had been bitten to the quick. Her hands were covered in tiny rivulets of blood.

"Light, Moiraine, are you alright?" she asked. Stupid girl! Of course she wasn't alright!

Moiraine sniffled and tried to right herself. She seemed to shift from Siuan's gaze; something Siuan chose not to notice. Siuan reached out a hand to comfort her, only to have Moiraine slap it away.

Siuan's eyes widened and for a moment her breath caught in her throat. Moiraine had slapped her hand away. She didn't want her anymore. She didn't want

Siuan to be there? But why? Everything had been fine…before…those light burned arches! Always ruining everything for everyone! Why couldn't she just have Moiraine back?

She felt her lips trembling, her mouth opening, her very being flowing away. Moiraine didn't want her.

"Siuan! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"

"It's…it's alright. It's the arches. Twist your mind, you know."

But what if it was Moiraine? What if it had been her that had said she was a worthless deckhand whore? Light, what would she do with herself if she didn't have Moiraine?

"They do, don't they?" Moiraine said quietly.

For a while, neither said anything. Both sat in an awkward silence; Siuan stoically refusing to give in, and Moiraine with nothing left to give.

"Which was the worst for you?" Siuan asked. She couldn't take the silence. The other Moiraine had been silent. She wouldn't stand it from her.

"The last one," Moiraine answered quietly.

"Me too," Siuan said, "I'll tell you mine, if you tell me yours when I'm done"

Her Moiraine would agree. Her Moiraine would flounce decorum, because her Moiraine would know that Siuan would listen. To Siuan's relief, Moiraine nodded.

"Well, when I woke up, we were living in Caemlyn. Nobody knew me, and nobody knew you. It was nice and quiet, by the river so I could fish and by the market

so you could go shopping. It was…perfect.

"Then I came back one day, from a fishing trip. You were there, but you were…angry. I didn't know why but you wanted me out, and you wanted me out right then and there. You said…You said…"

Light burn her, why couldn't she get the words out? She wasn't some chit with no control over herself! So why was it that the words were caught in her throat, that she could only sniffle and hold back the tears?

Her hand went warm, and she looked to see Moiraine's delicate fingers encapsulating her won. The Cairhienin girl was smiling through her tears.

"Siuan, I had the same Arch. The exact same Arch. Light, I didn't know how I could face you! All those things coming out of my mouth, I couldn't stop them, and none of them were true. Not one. All I wanted was to take them back but…."It hadn't been her. She hadn't meant it. It was all a lie! Siuan could've kissed her. In fact, she did. It bloody well shut up the little voice in her head.


End file.
